Groundhog Day
Lately, my life seems like a bad day followed by a bad day followed by a worse day followed by a bad day. If it isn't something going on with my finances (or lack thereof), it's something at work or the dismal state of the world. I am trying to find a balance, trying to see the good in everything instead of focusing on the ignorance, prejudice, and racism/sexism/ageism that is running rampant in the world.
Usually when I get to work now, there is some tiny thing that becomes an irritant, a pebble in the shoe. A pain in the ass. I prefer to call this Little Thing Syndrome. I can tell when my depression is going wonky because my LTS skyrockets. Case in point: I came to work this morning and had a bunch of email, two of which were from my boss delegating some tasks my way. Fine. Absolutely no problem. Except yet again, I am caught in the circle of waiting. I'm waiting for supplies so I can finish one project. I'm waiting for the final wording on someone's business cards. I'm waiting for someone to respond to my email so I finish another project. These things are annoying. The situation is annoying. It is in no way cause for me to become completely unhinged. But here I sit with smoke coming out my ears and a bee in my bonnet and my panties in a wad. Later I discovered that I had to reschedule the installation for our internets because a) the person whose name is on the account must be home, and b) you have to pay cash when they do it. It took me forever to actually find the phone number to call because in the confirmation email, they don't tell you who to call if you need to reschedule or cancel the installation. The call lasted all of a minute.
Last night I was somewhere between dreaming and awake -- still conscious of what was going on around me and when I'm in that place, I see things. Not in a creepy, psycho way but in a familiar-people/places/things-flash-before-my-eyes way. It can be amusing, this whirlwind of images. Except last night when the image wasn't an image but a scene and that scene was me walking out of my place of employment, heading toward the stairs, and seeing him at the bottom of the stairs, about to come up. I wanted to spork my brain right out of my head after that.
Clearly this is not something that should make my throat raw from holding back tears. Clearly none of this compares to being discriminated against because of my ethnicity because people are stupid enough to assume that because I have a "hispanic accent" that I am an illegal immigrant. Or being turned into a whorish slut because I am a dancer who should know what kind of situations I'm putting myself in when I dance at parties. Or being forced from my home by agents of my own government because of my geographic location and "differentness" from those in power.
I need to find peace. I need to find something positive to cling to. I need to rekindle hope. I need to be surrounded by the people I love. I need things to be different.
Usually when I get to work now, there is some tiny thing that becomes an irritant, a pebble in the shoe. A pain in the ass. I prefer to call this Little Thing Syndrome. I can tell when my depression is going wonky because my LTS skyrockets. Case in point: I came to work this morning and had a bunch of email, two of which were from my boss delegating some tasks my way. Fine. Absolutely no problem. Except yet again, I am caught in the circle of waiting. I'm waiting for supplies so I can finish one project. I'm waiting for the final wording on someone's business cards. I'm waiting for someone to respond to my email so I finish another project. These things are annoying. The situation is annoying. It is in no way cause for me to become completely unhinged. But here I sit with smoke coming out my ears and a bee in my bonnet and my panties in a wad. Later I discovered that I had to reschedule the installation for our internets because a) the person whose name is on the account must be home, and b) you have to pay cash when they do it. It took me forever to actually find the phone number to call because in the confirmation email, they don't tell you who to call if you need to reschedule or cancel the installation. The call lasted all of a minute.
Last night I was somewhere between dreaming and awake -- still conscious of what was going on around me and when I'm in that place, I see things. Not in a creepy, psycho way but in a familiar-people/places/things-flash-before-my-eyes way. It can be amusing, this whirlwind of images. Except last night when the image wasn't an image but a scene and that scene was me walking out of my place of employment, heading toward the stairs, and seeing him at the bottom of the stairs, about to come up. I wanted to spork my brain right out of my head after that.
Clearly this is not something that should make my throat raw from holding back tears. Clearly none of this compares to being discriminated against because of my ethnicity because people are stupid enough to assume that because I have a "hispanic accent" that I am an illegal immigrant. Or being turned into a whorish slut because I am a dancer who should know what kind of situations I'm putting myself in when I dance at parties. Or being forced from my home by agents of my own government because of my geographic location and "differentness" from those in power.
I need to find peace. I need to find something positive to cling to. I need to rekindle hope. I need to be surrounded by the people I love. I need things to be different.
posted by Absurdity at
10:00 AM
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