A continuation

I've been meaning to make this post for a few days and now I'm finally getting around to it. My previous post wherein I revealed my "secret" has left me cold. Very few people I know have the address to this blog and two of them knew my secret before I posted it. Whenever people bring up the Duke case, I feel a panicky sickness build in my stomach. For the past nine years, I have rarely had a moment not filled with shame and guilt and questions. Was it? Wasn't it? But I...I didn't...It wasn't...Over and over again. The same questions, the same disgusting replay of every single moment, the knowledge that my family doesn't know and if I have my way, will never know. Why? Because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed to tell the internets. I'm afraid that people will call my character into question. I'm afraid of what HE will say if he ever finds out what I've said. I know what he thought of me when he finally broke up with me; I can never forget the names he called me.

Today two Duke players were charged (wrongly, according to their attorneys) and in the coming days, I expect more things to come out about the woman. I expect there to be more mention of what she has done in the past while nothing the Duke students have done in the past is called into question. Roommate made a good point: what happened that night is the only thing that matters but if they're going to bring up what this woman has done in the past, then what the Duke players did in the past is fair game, too.

All of this said, I'm terrified that I admitted on my blog that I was date raped. I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about it and how unfair it is for women whose cases become "high profile" or for women whose rape is now cause for them being punished, as they are young and unmarried and pregnant in an intolerant, male-dominated country.

I'm scared, internets. I'm scared of men. I'm scared of you. All of you.